


Drowning in Dreams

by oliwoodslittlesister



Category: Pretty Little Liars
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Drug Use, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Mentions of Blood, Nightmares, OCD, PTSD, Panic Attacks, Phone Calls, Spencer has a bad night, mental health, spoilers for the finale
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-26
Updated: 2020-02-01
Packaged: 2021-01-04 02:20:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,235
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21189965
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oliwoodslittlesister/pseuds/oliwoodslittlesister
Summary: Spencer has a bad night. She knows she shouldn't have been drinking, but the memories won't stop haunting her. She calls Toby for comfort late at night, because she knows he will always make her feel better.





	1. Haunted Mirrors

Sometimes Spencer forgot who she was and where she had come from. She held onto all the broken pieces and the dark memories that poured over the past couple of years like the blood that she felt she could never wash off. When the days got bad, she would take shower after shower, still convinced that the blood of the doll house was still on her. It was staining her skin, it was underneath her skin, it was inside of her. How could she ever be clean after everything that had happened?

Sometimes, when she was walking down the street and saw other people laughing and smiling with one another, she wondered how everyone could make living life look so easy. How did they live in the present, when her mind kept going back through all those years when she had never felt safe? Part of her really wanted to know what it would feel like to live a normal life. 

She still found herself looking at article after article of anything bad that happened in Rosewood. She would find herself still up at three in the morning, sifting through news sites and researching help groups. Or just anything related to how she was feeling. Insomnia, PTSD, AA groups in the area, therapists, psychiatrists. She found herself wanting to reach out to the suicide helpline a couple of times, and she had the number saved in her phone. But she reasoned that she didn’t want to die, because there was still a part of her that hoped that tomorrow might be better. But sometimes, when it got really bad, she wished that she could just stop existing.

She had medication to sleep, but she didn’t like to take it because it made her feel drowsy the next day. She knew that she wouldn’t be able to get out of bed, and it reminded her of those days when she had woken up feeling like she was underwater. Just like in her dreams, when she was screaming under waves and no one was there to help her. Sometimes she saw Toby on the shore, or Aria or Emily or Hanna, but they wouldn’t hear her when she screamed. And then the waves would pour over her, choking her. Those were the nights when she woke up in a cold sweat.

The worst were the mirrors. Her heart stopped beating when she looked in them. Sometimes when she looked in them, she didn’t see herself. She saw Alex Drake. She saw the room she had been trapped in. She grew aware of everything she had been given, and everything that her sister had gone without. And she started to feel like she understood her in a way. One time she caught herself reaching out to the mirror, wanting to touch her face. But, in a way, she felt like she was reaching toward a sister that she had never been able to get to know. It scared her more than anything to think about how things could have been if her sister had been given the same life and chances. She thought about how nice it would have been to have a partner in crime, instead of a pissed off shadow. 

When she got angry - and she got angry a lot nowadays - she felt guilt eat away at her. No, she wasn’t allowed to feel angry. She shouldn’t be having thoughts about blood and car brakes screeching and what it would be like to hurt people the way that she had been hurt. That was evil, that wasn’t her. She didn’t want to be anything like Alex. 

One time she had called Toby. She chewed at her nails, feeling guilty for what she had done. She had spent hours at the bar by herself. She knew she shouldn’t be there. She knew that there were healthier coping mechanisms, they just didn’t drown out the voices and the memories the way that the alcohol and the pills did. Spencer knew that she couldn’t keep this up forever, and that people would worry, but she always felt like she needed just one more night before she got her shit together. It was always the last time. 

Her heart was pounding dully in her chest. She felt detached from it, like this was someone else’s body. She almost worried that he would be able to smell the beer and whiskey through the phone. Worse, what if he didn’t pick up? But he did, on the fifth ring. He sounded groggy. “Spence? Hi, what’s up? What time is it?”

Her worries poured out, “Toby.” Her voice cracked. “Please tell me I’m good.”

“What do you mean? Of course you’re good.”

“But am I… like her? Oh god. What if I’m like her?” The tears were pouring down her cheeks, and she covered her mouth to muffle the choked sound that escaped from her throat. 

“Why would you think that? Don’t ever think that. You’re you. You’re Spencer Hastings. You’re wonderful and kind and wicked smart. You can be a bit of a brat sometimes.” Spencer hiccuped a laugh at that. “But I love you regardless.”

“You love me?” They’d been spending a lot of time together recently, but they’d decided to take things slow. First they had to prove that they could be friends. She was more than aware of the cracks that Alex had left in their relationship. She sometimes felt like Toby was scrutinizing her, to make sure that it was really her. But he always came back to her and his eyes would clear and brighten as he laughed at her ridiculous complaints about her day. They met for coffee several times a week, when they both were able to squeeze in the time, and sometimes it felt like old times. When Spencer was around Toby, it could feel like she had never been hurt. She knew that they were destined to be with each other, that they were falling into each other’s orbits, but this declaration of love was surprising all the same. It made her heart swell and caused more tears to roll down her cheeks.

“Of course, Spencer. I always have and always will. You have my heart. You’re the strongest person that I know, and I know that you’ll get through anything. I don’t know how you do it, but I’m so proud of you and everything you have accomplished.”

“Thank you.” Her voice was so small, but her heart felt so big. She felt like a sponge, soaking up the compliments. It had been awhile since someone had called her smart. She second-guessed herself and her intelligence constantly. After all, if she were so smart, how come she couldn’t figure out who A was sooner? She should have done more research, she should have dug deeper. And she didn’t feel strong. If she were strong, how could she have let her friends be hurt? Why did she feel so broken and empty so much of the time? Her breath quickened as her mind tore through what were supposed to be compliments to bring her spirits up. She reminded herself that this was Toby. He would never lie. He meant every word, and she should believe him.

She was quiet for awhile, playing with a loose thread of the couch she was sitting on. Her vision cleared a bit and she took in the dark confines of her apartment’s living room. The mess - the empty bottles and the open books and the torn out articles - seemed separate from her, but that old, deep part of her reprimanded her and told her that she should really clean up. There was so much that she had to get done. That could wait until later. Tomorrow she would get her life together. For now, she laid down on the couch and pulled a blanket over herself.

“Hey, Spence. You still with me?”

“Yeah, I’m here.” Her voice came out shaky and she reminded herself to breath. She hadn’t even noticed how anxious she was getting. Why did it feel so overwhelming that she would have to wake up in the morning, that she would have to go about her day like nothing had happened to her? Then she started wondering if other people had the same thoughts. How many other people were out there, acting like nothing had happened in their lives, when they had been through Hell? Who else was fighting off ghosts in their own head?

“Are you stuck in your head again?”

“A little.”

“You think too much.”

She laughed. It sounded breathy. But she couldn’t think of a response for once.

“What are you thinking about?” Toby sounded genuinely curious in what she had to say, and she felt safe knowing that he would never judge her.

“I’m just thinking about how other people make it look so easy to be strong and go about their days like everything is okay. I just want to dig into their minds and see what they’re thinking about or going through. I want to know their secrets and I want to know about their lives. I just want them to know that they’re not alone and that they’re gonna be okay… even if I don’t always believe it myself… Ya know?”

“I get it.” Her knots in her chest loosened at the sound of his voice. “You have the biggest heart out of anyone I know. And, trust me, I get wanting to help others. That’s a big reason I became a cop. I wanted to make people feel safe, especially the people that I care about. Like you. But one thing that I’ve learned is that you can’t always save everyone. And some people don’t even want to be helped. You do what you can to help the world be a better place, but sometimes you also have to focus on yourself. Spence, have you been drinking tonight?”

Her heart stuttered. How could he tell? “Yeah,” she admitted and immediately bit her lip. They had agreed on no more lies. She really wished that she could tell him a different truth. Spencer worried that she had let Toby down.

“It’s okay if you have. Just… please call me next time you’re feeling bad. We can hang out or something. Watch some comedies… or something.”

“Okay.” She felt like a kid when she blurted out, “Please don’t be mad.”

“I’m not mad. I just don’t want you to feel like you’re alone or that you have to do all of this on your own. I’m here for you. I always will be.”

“Thank you.” She stiffled a yawn. “I miss you.”

“I always miss you when you’re not around. Get some sleep, okay? I’ll see you tomorrow. How do you feel about doing an escape room with me and Aria?”

“Sounds amazing. I’m gonna kick all your asses.”

“It’s not even a competition. We’re working together as a team.” But Spencer could hear the smile in his voice.

“Okay. As a team. I like that.” She was getting sleepy. She really wish that she could come up with some witty comment or joke and make Toby laugh again. Maybe tomorrow. “I’m gonna go to bed.” She made no move to stand up, though, just snuggled more into the couch and closed her eyes, holding the phone close to her ear and imagining what it would be like if Toby were actually here with her.

“Goodnight.”

“Night. I love you.” It slipped out of her mouth. It felt easy to say it over the night, in the dim streetlights shining through her window. 

“I love you too.” She could feel the smile and warmth pouring through the phone, and she paused a long time before ending the call. She focused on the love and the safety that she felt at that moment and drifted into a sleep that wasn’t plagued by nightmares for the first time in weeks. 

Tomorrow would be better. Tomorrow she would be better.


	2. Building Routines and Relationships

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spencer tries to build her daily routine and works on herself. Toby picks her and Aria up so that they can go to an escape room and hopefully have a fun night. Things are a little tense, but there's nobody Spencer feels safer with. Memories still linger and the past still has an effect on Spencer, even if she doesn't want to admit it.

Mornings were better than nights for Spencer. She had recently moved into a new apartment, one that she could afford with the job that she had taken at a bookstore. Her apartment and her new job were right on the outer edge of Rosewood, where she thought no one would bother her unless she let them. It wasn’t much, but she felt safer with it being so small. No one could hide in the corners. No one could jump out at her. She kept the blinds closed and she routinely found herself checking for cameras that she knew weren’t there. But she figured that was normal. She had talked about it with the therapist she had started seeing, and her therapist had told her that she should get a dog. She wasn’t sure if that would be a good idea, considering that she might be moving again when she started college again.

First thing she did when she got out of bed was dress in leggings and a sweatshirt to take a quick morning jog. When she got home, she would take a shower and tie her hair into braids. In the mornings, she could play some She & Him and scroll through Twitter with a cup of strong black coffee. At least for thirty minutes. Then it was time to get to work. She knew that when she started at Middleton University in a month, that time would go back to being spent studying and hitting the books, working on long papers and cramming for exams. A big part of her yearned for it, because studying was something she was used to. But at the same time she was trying to enjoy the time that she had free. She could reread old classics, she could journal or paint. She tried not to wonder if the stress from returning to law school would get to her. She worried that she might not be able to focus without some sort of drug to help her and what she would do if that wasn’t a possibility. What if she couldn’t do it on her own? 

Recently, she had started a blog. She wasn’t sure what it was yet. Some articles about politics and social issues that she felt strongly about, some book reviews or recommendations, some philosophical rants, and even some more personal stories. She had used her real name, even though her friends and loved ones had encouraged her not to, but she declined any interviews or comments offered by journalists. And she knew she had to be careful what she could share. Sometimes she changed names of people in the stories, sometimes she deleted things - realizing she only wrote them for some type of release, not because she thought other people should know - but part of her felt like the world ought to know. And it wasn’t like she had to worry about ruining her mother’s political run. Veronica. She had to keep correcting herself at times. Veronica wasn’t her real mother. It was still so weird to think about.

Today she picked some poetry quotes that she liked and tried to talk herself into being positive about the day by writing about books that she was grateful existed as a teenager. She made a to do list, hoping to fill the time between now - it was only 8:30? - and when she would see Toby and Aria. Toby said that he would pick her up around 4. She knew it would only make her feel worse if she spent the entire day on the couch binge watching shows, so she spent hours cleaning her apartment with My Favorite Murder playing through the stereo. She liked it when they mentioned cases where people survived. She knew that she shouldn’t be listening to crime podcasts at all, but in some dark way it made her feel less alone. If Toby knew, he might be a bit exasperated. And he might point out that she should also be so damn glad that she’s alive, not like one of the victims they mention in their shows. Then she spent another couple of hours starting random books, switching it for another, all before giving up and lounging on the couch. She settled on a documentary about killer whales and did her makeup with a mirror on the table. 

She slumped down on the couch and played with a loose thread on the side of the couch. She would give anything to take something that could take away these jitters, this anxiety that flooded her chest, especially when she tried to be still. She wanted her mind to be quiet, to calm down, to not remind her of memories and question everything about her existence. Suddenly her mind would wonder about other lost relatives, would go back to the fact that she had a sister that she didn’t even know existed. She could put herself in the shoes of her sister Alex sometimes when things got bad. Sometimes she could feel that same hatred for the world, for those who were more fortunate. Sometimes she got mad at people who had normal childhoods with parents who loved them unconditionally and didn’t realize how lucky they had it. People who didn’t spend their high school years looking over their shoulders, wondering if some crazy stalker might go too far for once and someone could end up dead. 

I’m strong and I’ve been through Hell, she reminded herself. This was her time to finally relax and enjoy life. She drank another cup of coffee and waited for Toby to arrive. He always arrived on time. It wasn’t even five when she heard someone knocking on the door. She opened it to find Toby in a red plaid shirt and jeans. She immediately broke out into a smile, laughed, and flung herself into his arms. They held each other close, not wanting to break apart. Spencer closed her eyes, taking in the warmth that enveloped her and his soft breathing in her ear. It was all so familiar, but at the same time it felt different than all the times they had done this when they were together. 

They’d been taking it slow. They’d meet up for coffee or talk on the phone or hang out at one of their apartments to play Scrabble and watch sitcoms or documentaries. They’d had a long debate after watching Blackfish that had resulted in Toby laughing at how worked up Spencer became over the injustice of keeping a killer whale in such a small pool. At first Spencer had thrown a pillow at him, thinking he was being rude for laughing at her, but then he had told her that it was cute that she cared so much. But last night had been a rare show of affection. There wasn’t anything wrong with telling each other I love you, because it came so naturally, even after the time apart. It had been easy over the phone, in the dark and with all the protective barriers down. But there was something different about sharing feelings on the phone and saying that kind of thing face to face. Sometimes Spencer became well aware of the bubble that had formed around herself, and the one that had formed around Toby. She wanted to kiss him in that moment, but she didn’t want to push things. 

Sometimes Alex hung in the air like some frayed curtain. She could see the assessment in his eyes as he took her in. They hadn’t talked about it, but sometimes Spencer wondered what Toby was thinking. She wondered how much time he had really spent with Alex and what kind of effect it had on him. Toby knew her, and Spencer knew that, but she still sometimes wondered if Toby was seeing Alex when he looked at her.

“You ready to go?”

“Yeah, just let me lock up.” She turned the key and checked the door once by yanking on it, but they were nearly to the elevator when her worries got the best of her. “Sorry, one second. Let me just make sure I locked the door.”

“Spence, you locked it. I saw you lock it.”

“I know. Sorry, it’ll just be one second.”

“If it’ll make you feel better. I’ll be right here.”

“It will. Thank you. One second.” She ran back to her front door, where she turned and yanked on the handle a couple more times. She took a deep breath and steadied herself. Then she returned to Toby, who smiled at her and offered his arm. She gladly took it. 

“Better?”

“Yeah, thanks again.”

“Anytime.” Spencer edged a little closer to Toby in the elevator. She thought about leaning her head on his shoulder. He wouldn’t mind, right? But she wouldn’t have been able to handle it if she felt him flinch or if she crossed a line. 

“Are we picking up Aria?”

“Yeah. I made an appointment at the escape room for 6, since that seemed to be the only time available tonight. We’ll grab dinner after, okay?”

“Burgers?”

“Yeah.” Toby smiled at her as they passed through the lobby and headed toward his car. His arm slipped out from her grasp as he opened the door for her, and she was sad to lose the contact. 

“Oh, a real gentleman. I guess all men aren’t trash after all.” She heard him laugh as he closed the door behind her and walked around the car to get in. 

“So.” His eyes were startingley blue when he looked at her over the console. “I found some really weird podcasts that I think are perfect for you. There’s one about the history of gnomes.”

“Gnomes? Like those little garden statues? Toby! Why would you think I would want to hear about their history?”

“Okay. Okay.” Toby held up his hands as he laughed. “Conspiracy theories?”

“Hmm. You know what? Show me these fucking gnomes.” 

Toby started playing the podcast and it turned out to be the way to go. They drove to Aria’s house listening to the soothing voices of the people on the podcast. It was surprisingly enjoyable and Spencer found herself enraptured. Sure, in some ways it was easy to find something that entertained her. She loved hearing new information, and she had always liked weird history. She made eye contact a couple of times with Toby while he was driving. Sometimes it was like they were sharing a secret just with their eyes, and there was no way they would ever share it with anyone else. No one would understand their inside jokes, no one would understand how seriously Spencer took board games or how to make either of them feel safe. This moment when they were alone in the car, this was only for them.

Spencer almost didn’t want to give it up when they pulled up to Aria’s house. Aria was sitting on the front porch reading and didn’t notice when Toby first pulled into the driveway. Toby was about to press the horn when Spencer stopped him by putting her hand on top of his.

“Don’t. I’ll go get her.” She didn’t want Aria to be startled, but also she didn’t know how she might react. Sometimes loud noises sent a jolt through her body, reminding her of the sirens in the Dollhouse. Suddenly she would hear sirens and it would be like a jolt went through her body. All of a sudden, she would be back there, walking those hallways, staring at the grey walls with no escape. She hated that she still dreamed about it, hated that sometimes she could think of the littlest details and they would turn into inescapable monsters.

Spencer pulled her cardigan tighter around her. She had settled for a grey checkered pattern cardigan over a plain black shirt and jeans that she had just bought. Of course, Aria was dressed a lot more creatively. Spencer took in her neon blue boots, white dress with a splatter of paint that was either the design or part of a failed art project, and her paperclip earrings. Spencer also wasn’t sure if she was aware that she had a pencil behind her ear.

“Hey.”

Aria finally seemed to become aware of her presence and put down the book she had been reading. It was Franny and Zooey by J. D. Salinger. “Sorry, didn’t notice.” Aria hopped up and immediately wrapped Spencer up into an enthusiastic hug. Spencer hugged her back tightly, taking in the fact that Aria spelled like hairspray and vanilla and maybe paint. It wasn’t a bad smell at all. It smelled like Aria, like safety.

“Good book?” Spencer asked on their way to the car. 

“Yeah. I haven’t read that one by Salinger before. He has this whole Glass family in a bunch of different books. It’s complicated and confusing. There’s like a billion siblings and all these secrets.”

“Sounds a lot like my family,” Spencer muttered darkly. Aria nudged her shoulder before they slid into the car. Spencer took her place in the passenger’s seat. 

Toby smiled at both of them. “Ready?”

“Sure, why not?”

Toby turned on the car and backed them out of the driveway. Two minutes into the drive, Spencer looked into the backseat to see Aria’s eyebrows scrunched together. 

“Are they talking… about gnomes?”

“Yeah.”

“What the fuck?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry that it took me so long to update. I haven't written anything for fun in months, ever since my creative writing class last quarter ended. I missed it a lot. Writing this helped me realize that. I had a little more than half of this written before today. I was going to continue on and upload it with the escape room scene, but it was becoming pretty long. I have plans for the next chapter and I might even start writing it right after posting this because I am in a mood. 
> 
> It's a little silly, I know. I hope that I captured their characters well. I need to rewatch some of the series. I hope that you guys like it. Please let me know! I am having a lot of fun writing this and I love Spencer and Aria and Toby. And I really like getting into Spencer's head. 
> 
> Also, there's kind of a bit of a HTGAWM reference in there. Can you spot it?
> 
> Shout out to Kay and Steven for their wonderful comments on my first chapter! They inspired me to keep going. I tried to incorporate a bit of the effects of Alex's manipulation in this and I would like to do more with it. So it will play a part in the future, especially when Spencer and Toby become more intimate. 
> 
> Is it weird to hear them swear? I feel like they don't swear much in the show, if at all. But I was like, hey, they're adults! They're going to swear! 
> 
> Love you all! Have a lovely weekend! My cat was sleeping above my head as I wrote this. It's been a really lovely Saturday.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! I really love Spoby and I wanted to write something cute for them. Sorry that this was so sad and that I didn't give Spencer any witty lines. I wish I could be as funny as she is. I love her a lot as a character and I want her to feel okay. 
> 
> I was thinking about making this story multi chaptered, because I have some ideas for the next chapter in the escape room. I also have some ideas for Spencer dealing with her addictions and going to therapy again. Would anyone want me to write that? I love the liars a lot and I would love to write more about them.


End file.
